by Jay Kerner
There are a lot of philosophies out there. From the highest levels of academia, to the bum in the gutter, everybody has their own unique way of looking at things; a sometimes complicated mental maneuver that lets us deal with the unpredictable crap life throws out as we make our way in the world.
Most people start with a tried and true stock model like vegetarianism or multi-level marketing, and then tweak it a little to make it their own.
As someone who has made more than a few non-traditional choices along the way, it occurred to me that I must have a unique philosophy of my own. What I needed to do was figure out how to market that bad boy.
While there are surely a fair number of people who will never get it, as I’ve tried to sift the flecks of gold from the sand and mud that fills my head, I have found something that works for me. When I say works, I’m talking about finding answers to some of the cosmic questions like who I am, how I got this way, and most importantly, what am I going to do about it?
One of the wonderful yet horrifying things about parenthood is the unregulated ability to foist your philosophy on to your unsuspecting children. Your kids are sort of your own little private sociology experiment. All the results aren’t in yet, but based on the early returns from my daughters in young adulthood, I think I’m on to something. But having it in your own head is one thing. Raising your own kids to think this way is another. Communicating it to other people effectively is something else entirely. So now after admittedly minimal product testing, I’m going to share an idea, a simple concept that has helped me understand myself better and just maybe you can use it your own self.
But first things first, if you are going to have your own philosophy it has to have a name.Some of the cool ones have catchy phrases like; “When life gives you lemons…..” or “Keep it simple stupid.” What I needed was a metaphor to sort of sum things up. I call mine “The Big Bag of Stuff”.
Take a deep breath, here goes….
Imagine if you will, that at the moment of your conception, you are handed your own special hospitality bag crammed full of stuff. Thank you for playing; here are your parting gifts.
There is so much stuff in your little bag that you wonder how you could fit any more in. Luckily, this is a very special bag that magically stretches to accommodate all the new stuff you add over your lifetime. It’s sort of like when you hit the atmosphere, you bring a carry-on.
So, we all start out with our own one-of-a-kind selection. Let’s see what’s in there and then try to figure out what to do with your “Big Bag of Stuff.”
#1 Physical Characteristics. This takes up a lot of space in the bag: DNA, genetic code, blonde, brunette, tall, short. Like that. The stuff in there is marked “All sales final. No returns or exchanges.” You would think this would be one of the easy areas to deal with since there is so little you can do to change it. But no, everyone instead has issues it seems no matter what genetic hand they are dealt.
The evidence for this is all around us. Look at Michael Jackson’s pathetic compulsion to reinvent himself as a creepy middle-aged white woman. In basketball, it’s why the short, puny guy dreams of dunking, while Shaquille O’Neill wishes he could make free-throws anywhere near the completion percentage of the average 6th grader. How else can you explain aerosol replacement hair in a can?
Come to think of it, this is probably a dangerous idea to put out there for public consumption. Imagine if by some future magic, we all suddenly liked ourselves just like we were?
Now imagine the devastation this would cause to entire industries built to accommodate our former insecurities. All the Personal Trainers out of work. Psychologists and Plastic Surgeons everywhere filing for unemployment.
Since the afore mentioned magic is probably not coming soon. The only smart move is to check out what’s in your bag. Take it out and really look at it. This is the stuff you have to work with. It’s also the stuff you’re carrying around. Deal with it.
Now hold on. That doesn’t mean you can’t take action to change your appearance. Let’s say crooked teeth are in your bag of stuff, there are some options. You can grow up in a family of crooked teeth and accept it as the norm. You can live your life putting your hand over your mouth when you laugh to hide your crooked smile. Or you can save up some money and get some professional Orthodontia. (My advice is to stay away from the amateurs that come around door to door, no matter how attractive the price.)
So, as far as all the pre-determined physical stuff in your bag is concerned, start with liking yourself. Next, be realistic. If you’re built like Roseanne, then Twiggy probably ain’t an option.
Hey, I know this sounds lame but humor me a minute. Use what you got! If the tallest guy in your family is 4′9 and you’re an 87 pound Freshman, you might try thinking wrestling instead of nose tackle. In my school there were some seriously bad ass wrestler dudes that never tipped the scales over 110 or so, they had the hot chicks too. It’s not what you got it’s what you do with it.
On the other side, knowing the stuff in your bag comes with some responsibility. For example, if heart attacks have taken every adult male in your family before age 40, you might want to put the burger down and get off the couch. Hey, I know its hard business, but if you know that’s in your stuff and don’t do anything about it, you’re not just a fat ass, you’re also a dumb ass. That’s still not against the law, however and you have the right to be whatever size you want. My question is, “How’s that working out for you?”
#2 Tendencies and Preferences. You love lemons but hate pickles. You can’t do algebra but you’re very good at ballroom dancing, etc. Sexuality and all it’s peccadilloes also falls in here somewhere. Again, like with the physical make-up stuff, don’t spend so much time on why you’re this way or that. Pointing your attention at “what are you going to do about it?” is much more productive.
This is also one of the reasons I’m such a proponent of career counseling. Think for a minute about the people in your circle of family and friends. How many of them really truly, love their jobs. How many are doing what they always planned?
Most people I know spend the majority of their working life doing something they fell into somehow or another. The part time thing you were going to do until something else happened worked into full time and now 17 years later you’re the assistant produce manager at the Pick and Save Grocery, spending your days straightening the navel orange pyramid, wondering why you never tried the Pro Rodeo circuit like you always planned.
Find out what you like! Start general, like, “are you an inside or outside person?” Do you enjoy working better by yourself or as part of a group? Are you hung up on technical things like laws or morals? Knowing the stuff in your bag, gives you the chance to explore career options tailored toward your specific abilities and interests. Think about it. It’s not the contented English Teacher shooting up the office with her assault weapon. The archeologist out on a dig isn’t peeing in the company coffee pot. The luckiest people in the world make their living by their hobby. Whether that’s macramé or brain surgery, the idea’s the same. Do something you care about and you’ll never work a job in your life.
This concept works as well at 60 as it does at 15, but 15 has a lot more options. I’m not saying every 15 year old should know what they want to be when they grow up, but that’s a great time to start identifying stuff you like and stuff you don’t. If you know the stuff in your bag, maybe you can be lucky enough to choose your own career following your interests and passions, instead of just taking what comes along.
#3 Other Miscellaneous Ingredients. There are a lot of other random things in your bag. Some you can change some you can’t. For instance, your folks could be rich or poor or somewhere in between. Being rich is no guarantee of a happy life. It also takes away a lot of excuses. C’mon, nobody likes the unhappy rich kid. And just because your folks are loaded doesn’t necessarily mean you are required to be a jerk. Rich kids have their own challenges but they also have butt loads more opportunities as well.
If you are born a rich kid, use it. Take advantage of the freedom to follow your passion but also try to remember to stay connected to common people and common ways. Living a life insulated from everyone outside your financial peers, narrows the viewpoint and makes you creepy.
If you are born poor, that’s too bad, but that’s the breaks. Statistics say a kid born into poverty has a very good chance of becoming part of the cycle of poverty themselves. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You’ve got some strikes against you I’ll admit, but the poor kid who knows his or her stuff, knows they better work their butt off for a scholarship or whatever other path they choose to get them where they want to go. It’s a harder road but you can still get there. And unlike the kid that’s had everything handed to them all his life, you’ll most likely appreciate it more when you get there.
Summary. You are dragging around a big bag of stuff that is uniquely yours. It is packed to bursting with all the things that you are, both good and bad. Learning to “Deal with your Stuff” means accentuating the good stuff and minimizing the ramifications of the bad stuff. The most meaningful example is my own.
I was always told in school that I had some talent in writing, yet assignments were always completed the last possible day and in minimally accepted length. While I may have had some ability in this area, I certainly didn’t do anything with it. These literary tidbits are my attempt to use the stuff in my bag.
The other side of that coin is that I am extremely disorganized. I used to screw up a lot of follow up type things before I started dealing better with the stuff in my bag. Some people are born naturally organized. I hate those people.
Once I finally realized that flying by the seat of your pants is my normal condition, I tried to put some techniques into play, to help me deal with it. The simplest one is my daily list. I make a list every morning of all the things I have to do that day. I’m a busy guy. There are usually 5-10 things on there every day. And of course, I add to it as the day goes along. I make notes in the border and log addresses and phone numbers as they come up. This is in no way a fool proof system, but I find I forget fewer commitments and have fewer people pissed off at me than I used to. These are good things.
But then again, what the hell do I know? Why should anyone listen to me? Is my life all sugar and spice and everything nice? Of course not. But like all of us, I’m a work in progress and I’m not done yet.
If I can figure out how to best use the good stuff in my bag, that’s half the battle. And if I can identify the creepy crawly stuff in there, and keep it from tripping me up, then I might just be ok after all. And who can ask for more than that?