By Bob Shultz
People are idiots.
Not every person, mind you… but if you regularly attend movies, you are no stranger to this phenomenon.
I have to admit, as a person I see more movies then the average Joe; I’m far more accustomed to seeing the bottom end of the cinema-social food chain then most.. And I’m certainly not making a normative claim on EVERYBODY who buys a ticket.
The fact is: I consider myself to be a pretty positive person and I generally expect the best from people; best in social skills, best in attitude, best in respect for people around me. This philosophy is put to the test a couple of times a week when I screen films.
It is constantly amazing to see the complete lack of courtesy, self-control and ignorance that arises from many of my fellow movie fans. Is there a social chromosome missing? Is there some medical reason that people can’t shut-up for 85 minutes? Is it just me, or is “movie audience protocol” a thing of the past, like Steve Guttenberg’s career?
This is not a new argument; I know… it’s a fight as old as the movies themselves. But things seem to be getting worse.
To be honest and fair, this plea for social change is NOT directed, necessarily, to St. Joseph Moviegoers. In fact, Joetown audiences rank pretty high on the courtesy meter. But, like Kansas City theatres, it is the one or two apples that spoil the whole experience for everybody else. And for our purposes here, we’re going to personify this type of waste-of-space person as the gender neutral “Murray.”
As a public service, I think it’s time to review a few common denominators for a great movie experience… and help destroy the Murray in all of us.
Turn off your cell phones!!!
Okay, this problem is less then a decade old… but it ranks as the worst. It is a simple process of pressing a button. What is SO hard? I can’t tell you how many times I’m trying to give my complete attention to film when the ringtone/bassline of “Baby Got Back” totally takes you out of the experience. After the first couple of times, my mind is totally off the film and I’m humming Sir Mix-A-Lot for the next few hours.
Turn them off! Turn them off! Turn them OFF! - There is no negotiating on this one, Murray. People don’t pay the better half of $10 so they here you gripe about how “Kathy at work is out for my job.” You know what… Kathy deserves your job and you deserve to apologize to everyone in the theatre for ruining the movie.
TXTUL8TR
Texting, the equally annoying alternative to cell chat. Hey Murray, you think you’re the only who sees your blue screen? Once a screen is flipped up, everyone’s attention behind you is drawn to your desperately moronic, written insights.
It for this reason, I chose to sit in front of the crowds… even if it means to literally to sit in the front row. I choose a little neck pain over text distractions any day.
Know your physical limits!
Hey, Murray… I’m so glad that you realize the value of a dollar. You could have gone for the regular popcorn/coke combo… but that extra 25 cents has upgraded you to the dumpster-size that ten people couldn’t finish during an entire film festival.
If you are going to gorge yourself at the “concession stand o’plenty”, don’t fight for the perfect seat, dead center, in the middle of everybody else. Unless you have a King Kong size bladder and colon… you’re going to make everyone around you miserable by excusing yourself every 20 minutes.
Plan ahead, Murray. Enjoy your mega-combo; but grab an aisle seat and one preferably one close to the exit.
Silence is Golden.
I blame the home video industry on this one. We are a generation deep into the advent of home video, and I know it’s hard to tell the difference between your living room and a public forum… but, for the love of Sgt. Peppers, “SHUT UP!”
Do you NOT think your voice carries, Murray? Do you think everyone around is silent so you can hear YOURSELF better?
I don’t get the “talking in theatres” thing at all. Shared laughter? Okay; Shared tears when E. T. takes off in the mother ship? Sure; but a constant on-going conversation with your neighbor? Are you that devoid of attention?
It’s not just the casual conversations that plague the Cineplex. It’s the would-be Roger Eberts who give a running commentary on the acting, the sets, the editing and the storyline.
From one raging ego-maniac to another Murray, No one cares about your opinion… not after the film, and certainly not during it.
And I say that being full aware of the irony that I get a lot of local public attention as a Film Critic. I know I have been blessed with the opportunity to talk about movies in the media, but I also know the truth: a critic’s opinion is no better then that of anyone else. For the most part, the studios don’t even care what I think… It’s free advertising for them whether I like the film or not.
More importantly, I save my reviews for a later time… NOT while the reels are still running.
On a different side note, there is that growing problem with subtitles. You know, subtitles: the sentences that appear on the bottom of the screen when the dialogue is inaudible or in a foreign language.
It seems anytime a movie pops into a scene with subtitles, there is at least one or two Murrays’ in the audience who are destined to read them aloud.
Unless your companion is blind, or the goat-toting Publisher of this publication, there is no reason why you need to use your “outside voice” reading screen subtitles. It’s not complicated, folks. You read, you enjoy, you eat your popcorn, you stay silent while others do the same… it is not that hard.
Kids See the Darndest Things!
Not being a parent, I won’t even try to assume what goes through a parent’s mind. And I think, obviously, if you find yourself in a theatre watching a Disney, G- Rated movie… you expect the audience to be filled little booger machines. Crying, loud talking and pleas to be” taken to the potty” are part of the expected norm. There is no argument there.
What I can’t figure out are the Murrays’ who take their young toddler to an evening, R rated movie.
Let’s put aside the psychological implications of a 3 year old sitting through some blood soaked, Zombie flick like “Grindhouse”… and bring the attention back your fellow moviegoer.
One of the reasons, if not the key reason, for an evening performance of an R rated movie… is the opportunity the audience, especially parents in the audience, to be kid free for a couple of hours. The subject mater is mature, it’s more challenging and it is “Dora Free.”
If you ARE this Murray… before you think about how much money you’ll save on a babysitter… remember those around you ALSO planned ahead. Leave the kids at home, you morons! Remember: Film is an art form designed to entertain everybody, but not Every Body is made for each film. This is why there are ratings.
The Murray Hall of Fame
I know we have only scratched the surface on the subject of Movie Theatre Etiquette. In my history of movie-going, there are some landmark incidents of other film patrons that have stayed fresh in my mind.
There’s the “Flatulence is funny. Chronic flatulence during ‘Schindler’s List’; not so funny” scenario. There’s also the “Screaming WOO-HOO, RIDE EM’ COWBOY in the middle of Brokeback Mountain” incident. Then there’s the “Happy couple acting out Alanis Morrisette lyrics 2 rows ahead you” incident that always completely takes your attention away from Martin Lawrence’s latest, crap-fest, screen offering.
We haven’t even talked about proper etiquette for the Drive-In theatres, yet… which could be… and will be… a complete article here in the next few weeks.
In the meantime… please feel free to drop me YOUR “Murray: The Movie Moron” gripes at Frontrow@kq2.com . I will be happy to include them in the next column.
Just remember, Theatre movie-going is a “shared experience.” It is one of last examples of complete strangers, alone in their thoughts and observations… all the same… sharing a common experience. A little effort on your part, all you Murrays, makes a better movie-time for all of us.