by James Jerold, Independent Writer

Ok, I admit it: I’m a fantasy football geek. I fought it as long as I could. When people rambled on and on about this stupid, moronic hobby I just rolled my eyes, but as the number of participants exploded exponentially year after year I had to take another look.

I discovered a whole new fantasy world, based on the simple premise that idiots everywhere think they know more than all the other idiots. Human nature being what it is their potential market is…..well … almost everybody!

As I examined this whole subculture, I was hit with a realization: “What if someone got involved, who really did know more than everybody else?”  That guy would surely run rough-shod over all the self-deluded morons filling leagues throughout the internet. I felt it was almost my obligation to get involved. But first a little research.

For the un-initiated, fantasy football is a game where a league is formed from 8 to 12 teams, made up of actual NFL players. In its simplest form, when the “real” players score points in their “real” games, they score for their fantasy owners too.

In the fall of 2004 I signed up for an anonymous Yahoo League. Instead of a team name, I played under a random grouping of letters, numbers and symbols. I let the computer pick my team for me, and did very little that first season except watch and learn. I had a good QB and a great defense but finished middle of the pack without any meddling on my part.

The next year I signed up in two different leagues and busted out my team name, The Grumpy Old Farts, that has struck fear into fantasy owners for three seasons now. I tried completely different drafting strategies when picking my rosters, searching for an edge.

On one team I went with the all Johnson line-up. QB Brad Johnson handing off to RB Larry Johnson, or throwing to WR Chad Johnson. We cruised through the regular season, but got knocked out of the playoffs when our leading scorer fell in the shower and hurt his… well, lets not go there.

The other squad was my “All Domestic Violence Team”. You can pick a very effective fantasy lineup simply by scanning the arrest wires. You have to reason that a player unhappy at home, will probably let that anger carry over to the field of play. It does! We probably would have won that league if I had just drafted the right kicker. I thought I had the perfect guy. He wasn’t married, but had date raped a couple of cheerleaders in college. He started off fine, but when all his kicks started veering left, he revealed that he was just angry because he was a woman trapped in a man’s body, and maybe should have waited to start the hormone therapy until after the season. It was too late to grab a good scoring replacement kicker, and I lost the Super Bowl on a damn missed 30 yard field goal my grandma could have made. It hurt plenty, but I carried the lessons learned into the next season.

In 2006 I played in three different leagues, fine tuning the process. I expanded the Domestic Violence roster to include DUI’s, but learned that the drunk drivers were much less effective than your garden variety wife beaters. I also experimented with hair styles as an indicator of performance. My team of Dreadlocks and Jheri-curls beat the crap out of my shaved heads and Mohawks.

Before the 2007 Season began, I decided I was ready to take all that I had learned and apply it to just one team. I read my draft reports. I scoured the internet for hidden gems. When the time for our draft finally arrived I maneuvered with precision and stocked my team with just the right mix of deviants, miscreants, and all around nere-do-wells. My only disappointment was that the league suspended Michael Vick. I thought for sure that a dog-fighting quarterback would be just the guy to lead my team to victory.

As it turns out I had nothing to worry about. The Grumpy Old Farts bulldozed their way through the season undefeated, clear through to the championship. Along the way we embarrassed the Captains Cavemen, we annihilated the 238ers, and we pulverized the Fightin’ Proctologists. It was a thoroughly enjoyable season.

So now the off season is here. Time to lick our wounds and savor our victory. Excuse me while I sing: We are the champions my friends….and we’ll keep on fightin ‘til the end….. We are the champions, we are the champions, we are the champions…OF THE WORLD!