The Star Wars Holiday Special

by Bob Shultz, Independent Writer

A long time ago, in a time not so far away… there existed a Holiday TV special that the makers were sure would be as popular as Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Perhaps, it would even be bigger then Charlie Brown and his anemic Christmas tree. It had adventure; it had music, wild colors, and it had a cast that was loved the world over.

It was to be a sure fire hit; a slam-dunk for years to come. An epic of “appointment Television” that fans and advertisers alike would swoon to year after year.

In the fall of 1978, “The Star Wars Holiday Special” was to enter Seasonal canon of great, modern pop-culture icons like Frosty and annual broadcast of the “Wizard of Oz”.

But, it would never be.

On the Friday night following Thanksgiving, CBS aired the 2-hour extravaganza

to a confused “Star Wars” fan base, and the universal pan of critics. It would NEVER be seen again.

It was a miscalculation of historic proportions.

Fans would call it a travesty; Star Wars creator George Lucas banned all references to it in the media and for the most part… still does to this day. It would forever be the black sheep of the Star Wars dynasty.

And because of that… it has become the Holy Grail of Star Wars collectors and fans of bad media, like myself.

Imagine, if you will a time before VCRs, Internet, and a world of only 3 network stations. Cable was limited and Satellite dishes were an unaffordable dream to most of the viewing audience. It was a world mostly free of remote controls and limited options.

An in this world, a little film called Star Wars, broke the Movie box-office bank to unheard of proportions. It had become a media wildfire crossing into music, fashion, and common, everyday language. Something that hasn’t happened on that scale since.

So the idea surrounding a TV special that touched on the phenomenon seemed a history-making event. Especially since work had begun on the movie sequel, “The Empire Strikes Back” and excitement was building.

Lucas supported the TV Special idea, but had little to do with it. The rumor I prefer to believe is that he was contractually obligated to CBS through Fox Studios to do a series of TV promotions per his original deal to release the 1st movie. In return, Lucas retained the rights to make action figures, and other merchandise and keep all the profits. A deal that would make him a billionaire. Smart move.

So the writing and execution would fall to the creative teams of CBS television who ultimately envisioned the excitement of Space battles with the class and style that could only be found in the variety show stylings of “The Donnie and Marie Show”.

Lasers, Disco, bad costumes, and awkward choreography; they had a “no fail” formula that would grab Sci-Fi fans and Studio 54 crowd alike.

All of the principal actors would make an appearance including Harrison Ford, Mark Hamill, and one coked-up Carrie Fisher. The story would center around one of the most beloved characters of the Star Wars universe, The “Wookie” (Part Man-Ape, part Dog), Chewbacca.

It would also introduce to a whole new cast of characters including “Ole Chewy’s” Wife “Mahla”, Father “Itchy”, and son “Lumpy”. The later, by the way, looking like a demented troll doll on a PCP bender.

The plot would involve Chewy’s attempt to get home for the holiday “Life Day”. An event, as we find out in the finale, that can be best summed up as a Wookie gathering in church robes where patrons hold disco-balls listening to a stoned Carrie Fisher warble a ballad set to the tune of the Star Wars theme.

But before that magic moment comes, we are blessed to collection of “Surprise Guest” stars (Art Carney, Bea Arthur, Dianne Carroll, Harvey Korman, and the Jefferson Starship) that help Chewy’s Family deal with the anxiety of approaching Imperial forces.

Will the Empire capture Chewbacca before he gets home? Will Mahla get her famous “Wookie-ookie” Cookies done in time? All nail-biting dilemmas that are easily solved the best way possible: 70’s style song and dance.

It’s BAD program by anyone’s standards. There are way too many examples to name them all… but a few purely stand out.

Here is cross sample in no order: Wookies don’t speak English; the majority of the “dialogue” is growls and groans. Harvey Korman plays multiple characters, all of them pitifully miscalculated. Bea Arthur’s “Show Stopping” hustle-romp with the drunken aliens at the famous “Mos Eisley Cantina”. Art Carney’s attempt at reviving his “Honeymooners” style of comedy with robots and puppets. Mark Hamill’s noticeably heavy make-up that makes him look like a kabuki dancer. Harrison Ford’s “Please get me the hell out of here” look during the fore mentioned “Life Day” finale. A scary… and bizarre… “Performance art” acrobatic performance that can only be described as: “Barnum and Bailey on Acid”.

All of that takes second place to the ultimate shock: Dianne Caroll’s ballad “This moment” presented as piece of interactive “Wookie-porn” being privately enjoyed by Chewy’s Dad, Itchy. It’s three minutes of jaw-dropping trauma that has you asking, ” This WAS made for Kids, Right?

It’s no wonder why Lucas has made it his destiny to destroy this complete waste of time. One critic, in fact, called it “The single worst moment of Television Broadcast history”. It was nearly forgotten and almost became the stuff of urban legend.

Then came the Internet.

Thanks to the World Wide Web, The “Star Wars Holiday Special” is as fresh and tacky as it was 30 years ago.

Over the course of the last decade, I’ve received a dozen complete copies of this wonderful pile of crap from friends who know my secret passion for rare, and bad, pop culture events. All of them from the same source: CBS Channel 2 in Baltimore, Maryland.

How did this morsel survive? Where did originally come from? I can only guess. But some enterprising person felt the need to capture this project for future generations… and God bless this merry gentleman or lady.

Based on the pretty good quality of the copies, I suspect it was an engineer at the CBS station who, at the time, recorded it using Beta or ¾ tape. The copy includes all the commercials, promos, and Newsbreaks that aired during the show…. And that seems to be the real treasure of this hard-to-find item.

Die-hard Star Wars fans note another saving grace: The first appearance of the Bounty Hunter, “Boba Fett”. Albeit in cartoon form in an awkwardly drawn sequence that is one of the few breaks from the musical dance numbers.

For all its qualities, the “Star Wars Holiday Special” has grown on me over the years: from shock, to distain, to appreciation, to well… enjoyment. It’s still bad… but in many ways it’s so bad it’s good. It’s an execution in excess and miscalculation that seems to personify the late 1970’s, itself.

If you’re waiting for the official DVD, Lucasfilm, remastered version to appear in stores, it will never happen. Even as Lucas continues to “Taco-Bell” the re-packaging of the same old movies and toys in new forms… your best bet to see THIS particular work is on YOUTUBE or on-line auction houses. It’s pretty easy to acquire these days. Despite the vein efforts of George Lucas… and to the pleasure of bad media fans alike. Happy Life Day!