by Vennis A. Vennable, Independent Writer Editor’s note: Once again we apologize in advance for the opinions expressed here. They in no way reflect the views of this publication, its management or staff.
Every year at this time morons everywhere sit down and list their New Year’s Resolutions. What a bunch of crap! I can just picture all you once a year partiers, head in the toilet bowl, promising you’ll never do it again. Amateurs! Either learn to hold your liquor or quit whining.
As for the rest of your lame promises, you need to stop kidding yourself. You’re not going to lose the weight. You’re never going to clean out the attic, and that “Great American Novel” will never get past the first paragraph. How do I know? Because you can’t fight human nature, dummy.
They say a sure sign of insanity is when you demonstrate the same old behavior, but for some stupid reason, expect an entirely different outcome.
As for me, I’m lucky. I may not be your cup of tequila, but I’m happy to say I like me just fine the way I am. It’s taken me a lot of years to get old Vennis like this. I’m not sure the world could handle version 2.0. Still, I realize many of you haven’t evolved to such a high state of being yet, so as sort of a public service, I offer you Vennis’ Guide to a Happy Fulfilling Life.
Have sex as often as possible. (ok, not you, animal fornicators or you either pedophile priests!) For everybody else of legal age, it’s good to keep the mental as well as physical juices flowing. If you and your partner have been together a long time, it’s sometimes hard to kindle the fire. Do what I do, close your eyes and imagine Miss Johnson from 5th grade. The formerly lovely Mrs. V pictures various professional athletes. I help out by turning out the lights and lowering my voice a couple of octaves. It’s important to find something that works for you both.Watch a lot of TV. It’s a great way to know what’s going on in the world. I learned everything I really needed to know from “My Name Is Earl” and reruns of “Everybody Loves Raymond”.Don’t drink crummy beer. (Unless of course someone else is buying. Free crummy beer still beats good beer you buy yourself). If you’re paying the tab, spring for the good stuff.
Get plenty of sleep. Scientific fact: every hour asleep in a recliner equals two on a mattress. But don’t forget recliners are for sleep only. Sex in the recliner is the number one cause of groin injuries.
Eat plenty of greasy food. If you’ll notice, people that tell you different are generally unhappy twits. Grease is the lubricant that keeps things moving. You don’t want your innards all clogged up do you? No, I didn’t think so.
Well, that’s probably enough for this time. There are other guidelines of course, but I don’t want to give you too much in one sitting. I have to realize that it’s unrealistic to expect everyone in the world to live up to the high standards I set for myself. So in the meantime, I’ll keep living the good life, and try to continue being a positive role model for all mankind. It’s a heavy burden, but I can handle it. Until next time, remember, if ketchup won’t kill the taste, it’s probably too nasty to put in your mouth.
Uncle V.
P.S. If you see me out and about this holiday season, feel free to dust the cobwebs from your billfold and buy me a beer you cheap bastard!
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