One part man. One part god…

by B.L. Garver

One part man. One part god. All muscle…and a little sass, too.
 In the archives of my cinematic memory, I haven’t compiled a wide range of genres. Action, SciFi, Fantasy…and way in the back of the room, the sentimental shelf of Disney flicks and 80s cartoons, all of which contain some element of Action, SciFi, and Fantasy. As I brought out the old skeleton key to this room and began browsing the shelves, several movies presented themselves to me, each for its own reason:  “Terminator 2”, for its groundbreaking action scenes and special effects (also, my all-time favorite movie); “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off”, for its classic tale of teenage mischief; “Terminal Velocity”, a murder mystery centered around skydiving…  After considering these and other great films worthy of pages upon pages of positive review, something coerced me to take another direction.
 So here, in these thousand or so words, I submit to you a few reasons you should see the first American film starring Arnold Schwartzenegger; the first footprint in the path that would lead Arnie to a god-like status among Hollywood action icons.
 What can be said about the little known and even less well-received film “Hercules in New York”?  Most people would say “What’s that?”  But those who have had the singular experience of viewing this film say it’s among the worst movies ever made; still others say it is THE worst movie ever made.
 Alright, I can’t really argue with those people. Still, I can’t help but love “Hercules in New York.”
 If you view this movie with an artistic eye, or a technical eye, or a serious eye, or eyes that are blind to the value of B-Movie camp, then you will have a hatred of this movie (and probably of myself for suggesting it) that will burn like the fire of a thousand Suns. However, if you are a film-lover who has ever said “It’s so bad, it’s good” then “Hercules in New York” has a place on your DVD rack.
 With a production quality that would be easily rivaled by any Intro to Video student, the film tells the story of a rebellious Hercules, eager to strike out from Zeus and the confines of Mount Olympus. And what better place to visit after you’ve defied the ruler of the gods and traveled between worlds than New York City?
 See, the very premise of the film lacks integrity.
 However absent the artistic quality of this film, it is rife with entertainment. And for all you art-film fanatics out there; not every film has to have some profound and moving message, does it?  Why can’t something simply be entertaining?  Indeed, if any message was intended to be gleaned from “Hercules”, it was lost somewhere between the poor writing and worse execution. One surface message that can certainly be taken from the film is this: This is how you make a horrible movie.
 Yet, if you can sit through the film without rupturing a lung or breaking a rib from extended periods of laughter, you could take the story to be an observation of the effect of arrogance and the vast separation that occurs between different societies with very different frames of mind.
 I mean, if you just absolutely need that hidden meaning to enjoy a movie.
 In his realm, Hercules is a prince. And a spoiled one, at that. But when he goes to New York (ignore the fact that he left Ancient Greece to descend to modern-day NYC, miraculously transcending the space/time continuum with no justification or explanation whatsoever) he is no longer royalty. To New Yorkers, he is just another muscle-head with below average IQ and above average physique. Used to being waited on hand and foot, Herc is baffled and appalled when people demand money for goods and services. He laughs at the men and women we consider athletes, calling them weak, and proceeds to demonstrate how shot-put and javelins are meant to be thrown.  And there are several other hilarious scenes that deal with the demi-god’s confusion and fascination over mundane modern devices and concepts – such as the horseless chariot…which is actually our very useful tool, the forklift.
 Throughout the film Hercules exudes his ignorance about the way things work in our world. Despite his divine origins he makes a total ass of himself, and is totally oblivious to how ridiculous he appears to us puny humans.
 Beneath its shabby surface, there is actually a valid point to the story. Or perhaps I created that underlying message in an attempt to find something to write about. Either way, now that I look further into the film, I see the concept as something like this:  Arrogance is only a virtue to the foolish. No matter how important you are in your own element, you are probably just some guy - or gal - in someone else’s, and if you don’t recognize that fact, you will inevitably become the fool.
 However, if anyone should run out to find this gem of a film, I wouldn’t encourage you to strain yourself searching for a meaning. I mainly recommend this film because it is a fun piece (of shit, albeit) that, if you allow it, will tickle your funny bone and every other bone in your body. Indie film makers will probably appreciate this flick a little more than non-filmies. Having made some indie shorts, I take a certain satisfaction in that I could most definitely make a better movie than the crew of “Hercules.”  Perhaps not monumentally better, but at least with better dialogue and camera work. And most definitely better actors.
 I love ya Arnie, but a good actor you are not.
 So, whatever your reason for checking this film out (and I sincerely hope you do) just keep in mind that it is what it is. If you choose to look beyond the entertainment value, for my perceived message or one of your own, by all means go for it. Just don’t work to hard. Also, get the DVD with the original audio track. Arnold’s early attempt at English is priceless.
 Enjoy the film, or at least accept it for what it is. And for those who end up hating the movie with the fire of a thousand suns, please don’t lynch me on the street if you see me walking by.